Brady DeAngelo | November 2nd, 2023
I just finished writing ‘There Isn’t Someone For Everyone’ but now what?
You can find happiness being alone but that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed companionship or human touch, and it sure as hell doesn’t mean you can never have sex again.
Stigmas suck, and our society has so many. One of my least favorites is the stigma that comes with casually dating. The stigma creeps me out because it comes from people that seem closed minded and judgmental. They believe there’s only one way to live life. Man and woman meet, they date, they marry, buy a home, have kids, grow old together, and then die.
People want to put you in the same box they’re in. It’s human nature to want to be surrounded by those who are like us with the same philosophies on life. We like the company. On the surface, that seems innocent enough, but the problem is, those life philosophies, when shared by large numbers of people, become this invisible life law.
Somewhere along the line, we brainwashed each other to believe that we must meet one person and stick with one person for life, and meeting multiple people is wrong, dirty, immature, and it’s assumed that there’s something wrong with an individual that does this.
Group mentality at it’s finest!
Nothing destroys individualism in such a cunning and gross way like a group of people who don’t have open minds, preaching to one person on how they should live life. “Hey, it worked for me! It should work for you too! If not, there’s something wrong with you! What’s wrong with you? Why are you so screwed up?”
I’ve been single many years. In those many years, I learned some valuable things about myself which lead me to learn about dating casually. So, let’s start with defining what it means to “date casually”.
Seems self-explanatory, doesn’t it? Sure, but there’s 2 really important rules to it. Especially if you don’t want things getting messy.
Rule #1: Figure Out If You Want a Monogamous and Long Lasting Relationship.
This was tough for me after my last relationship. I always searched for someone to be my life partner, so the idea of being monogamous seemed like a no-brainer, but at the time after my last relationship, I didn’t want to be involved seriously with anyone. I was in this dating purgatory, and I was there because I wasn’t happy being alone.
Once I figured out that I could be happy alone, I allowed myself options. I could be in another monogamous relationship, I could find one long lasting FWB, I could date casually, I could go all polyamory, or I could say screw it and not date at all. I had options, and it was awesome!
I decided to casually date, but I didn’t know the rules.
Rule #2: Be Honest with Yourself and Others
You’d think this was a no-brainer, but it wasn’t for me. Not because I’m not honest, but because I was filled with confusing feelings that surfaced when I met someone.
I found that most people still want a monogamous relationship. Those people find that type of relationship more meaningful. More power to them, and I respect that. Truly!
There’s a “but” coming. A well-deserved “but”.
BUT, a good portion of those people are judgmental and look down on any other type of relationship. I had so much guilt that I was sometimes dating multiple people at once, that it became a dirty little secret in my head. I didn’t want to look like a bad person, but in some ways, I was that bad person. I was leading women on unintentionally because I was being a coward. How are they supposed to know where I was in life, if I wasn’t fourth coming about it?
I don’t know what I said to myself or when it clicked, but eventually I found myself proud that I decided to try and leave monogamy behind. Even if it was for a little bit. I wanted to see what else was out there, and man! There was more than I bargained for. In a great way.
Once I figured my stuff out and got past the guilt, I made the conscious effort to be honest. Blatantly honest! I went as far on my dating profile to make it clear that I’m not looking for a long-lasting relationship. I didn’t want any confusion. My profile typically read like this…
I’m not looking for a long-lasting relationship at the moment! I like living alone, I don’t want more children, I like my space and much of my time is either taken up by my daughter or work, but I still want companionship on occasion. If you’re clingy, fall in love easily, or high maintenance, please swipe left. If you’re like minded and interested, let’s talk.
It was a simple description, but it got my point across and before I knew it, I was being swiped on a lot!
My brutal honesty opened the door for women who felt like I did. They were comfortable, and many of them told me how refreshing my honesty was. I even had women looking for monogamy and swiping right just to tell me that. Women want to know what you’re thinking. They don’t want their time wasted, and there’s a ton of guys out there wasting time.
It’s crazy, right?
The opposite of what I thought would happen, happened. I had more women swiping on me, than I did when I was leading women to believe I wanted something monogamous.
What was going on? Well, a couple things…
A: There were more like-minded women like myself than I estimated.
B: There were women who thought they could change me. I became a challenge. Not a ton of women like this out there, but I met a few. This forced me to step up my honesty and it was really hard at times.
One time in particular, I met someone I was REALLY attracted to physically. On a scale from 1-10 she was a 12 and we got along great, but I could sense she started wanting more and I knew I couldn’t use the excuse that “she knew what she was getting into” just so I could continue spending time with her.
That’s BS and a manipulative move on my part to get something I wanted at the expense of her feelings. People are allowed to change their feelings, and once you get that sense, or they say it out loud…it’s time to move on and not use that person for your own wants. I had to end it. Kind of. There were a couple late night booty calls after that, but I was a work in progress.
There are other rules to dating casually but you’ll figure them out along the way if you chose. I don’t want to ruin the fun for ya, because self-exploration is fun.